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“The Trevelyan” Set to Become the New Rachel

anne-marie trevelyanA hairstyle that gives the wearer the air of a firm but fair headmistress is set to sweep the world of haute coiffure this season, it has emerged.

Inspired by the locks of newly elected Conservative MP for Berwick-upon-Tweed, Anne-Marie Trevelyan, the long-layered bob is already in hot demand in hair salons across the town by women who want to remain stylishly nondescript.

Celebrity hairstylist, Andrew Barton, declared The Trevelyan is set to revolutionize the lives of women seeking to project an image of not giving one actual toss.

“The beauty of The Trevelyan is that it exposes a wide expanse of forehead, giving plenty of opportunity to expose the sun damage caused by a lifestyle of stomping up and down muddy fields shouting at sheep in a bossy voice. It says, ‘Yes, I’m  a woman. Yes, I can be vaguely feminine but not at the expense of sticking needles in my face to avoid upsetting a misogynistic society.’ The f**k-you-not-me look is, in fact, very difficult to pull off but I think Anne-Marie does it brilliantly.”

Yet Ms Trevelyan’s supporters argue that the Conservative MP for Berwick would have every right to pump her face full of biotoxins and fillers.

Genevieve Fitzroy, a seagull trapper from Blythe, said: “As a Tory MP she needs to remain looking smug at all times. It would be a PR disaster if she were papped with a look of empathy on her face. Judicious application of Botox will smooth out such blemishes, allaying the public’s fear that a socialist is in power and is going to give their jobs to one-legged, lesbian immigrants.”

Streetlight operator Zac Richardson from Foulden agrees: “It’s best she doesn’t smile, to be honest. Or if she does, not to allow it to reach her cold, dead, Tory eyes. Politics is confusing enough. A heartless stare is all we’ve got to tell the politicians apart.”

Attempts by Nicola Sturgeon to knock The Trevelyan from the hairstyle top spot with her “Scrappy-Doo” – a wire hair helmet with a choppy fringe soldered together with Bristow’s Extra Hold – have been scuppered by social media wags posting pictures of turds in wigs and tagging them the Crappy Do. There is speculation that Ms Sturgeon might form an alliance with Harriet “Is she, Isn’t She” Harman, temporary Leader of the Labour Party, that would combine the fearsome power of cap highlights with a tendency to frizz, a look calculated to appeal to mums on benefits rummaging in the freezer for Turkey Bites.

But why is the hairstyle of Berwick’s new MP creating such a buzz? Jonty Hardcastle, Head Researcher at the Berwick Institute of Thinking, believes he has the answer.

“Historically, people hate women and they also hate Tories. Put them together and you’ve got something akin to vomit in a suicide jacket. But by having a hair-do that reminds men of the gentle-fingered primary school nit nurse, Ms Trevelyan is saying: ‘Look, this isn’t my fault. Your parents should have done this sooner but they were probably too smashed on Diamond White in front of Jeremy Kyle to care. But I care. Keep still or I’ll beat you.” To the male psyche, a woman taking charge and possibly hurting them is very reassuring.”

But that doesn’t explain why so many women are embracing The Trevelyan.

“Well, because it saves them half an hour in the morning.”

As demand for Ms Trevelyan’s hairstyle continues to gather momentum, a mass suicide off the Royal Border Bridge organised by bitter and broken Liberal Democrats and originally planned for Saturday’s low tide has been put back. The delay has been attributed to Paddy Ashdown struggling to eat his hat. Despite generous applications of HP Sauce, the brim is proving problematic.

paddy ashdown eating hat


Cannabis Blamed for Council Plan for Key Sites

Northumberland County Council logo with cannabis leafThe liberal use of cannabis amongst Northumberland County Councillors has been blamed for the rise of increasingly bizarre thought showers emanating from Morpeth, it is claimed.

The pungent herbal matter, often used as pain relief for the terminally ill, is believed to create a heightened sense of euphoria, leading users to surmise that every thought passing through their THC-saturated brain is worthy of a Nobel Prize for Science, Peace or Literature if only they had the energy and enough cheesy Wotsits to see it through.

Suspicions regarding Council-sanctioned marijuana use first surfaced following a Council meeting last February when Romanian hygiene wipeologist, Clare Strong, put in a requisition for an extra roll of bin liners to clear away a pile of empty Dorito packets so large in a scale that it resembled an Antony Gormley installation.

“I tick little box on supply form, always conscious that I am stealing jobs from the British. I check that I am pressing hard enough so tick appears on top copy and pink, yellow and blue copies for Finance Department, in addition to orange, green and purple copies for Admin. Red copy I am naturally keeping for myself because I probably turn out to be Communist in spare time I am not sending money home to my many, many Muslim babies.”

Tapestry elephant cushionsEtsy vendor, GinghamBlueCheese, also expressed concern on her lifestyle blog when she received an order for 50 handwoven organic tapestry floor cushions from her “Elephant” range. The delivery address stated County Hall, marked for the attention of “The Leader of Love, Grant Davey the Rave” in shaky handwriting. And in The Financial Times only this week, Procter & Gamble put its increased share valuation down to NCC buying up its entire stock of Febreze.

Residents of Berwick-upon-Tweed have become increasingly puzzled over recent planning decisions made for their town that at best seem the faltering design scribbles of a giant toddler, and at worst of a congenital mouth-breather suffering from acute encephalitis contracted in hospital while being treated for severe head trauma.

Long-time mad person, Zac Richardson, said: “To be honest, I’m angry. I didn’t choose to be barking, in the same way the Traffic Cone God, Kthonana, didn’t choose to wage war in the Badlands of Bollard – it just happened. I find it insensitive to proper basket cases like me that Northumberland County Council are electing to make decisions that have no basis in rational thinking. Their pseudo-psychosis is mocking those genuinely struggling with the problem of ten-tentacled cat overlords. Rest assured, I’m going to write to my Space Federation rep about it.”

While the Walkergate Scandal has dominated headlines in recent months, some opine that this is merely the top of very large, retarded iceberg, an opinion bolstered by the revelation that the Council plans to relocate some of their services to The Maltings Theatre & Cinema.

“I mean, WTF?” said Genevieve Fitzroy, a committed non-swearer from Wooler. “What the actual f**k? Will I have to pay my Council Tax in the form of interpretive dance? What if I can’t dance; will I be fined?”

“I’m worried that when I come to complain about my noisy neighbour, I’ll run into him and his sweaty wife as they go into to see Roy Chubby Brown,” said Jono Jenkins, a retired geranium propagator from Highcliffe. “Talk about awkward.”

However, benefit claimant Sue Finch believes the move could open a door onto a new career. “I mean, I’ve always suspected I’ve got acting talent. But begging for Job Seeker’s Allowance in front of a live audience could be the big break I’ve been looking for.”

“I’m not sure how it will work,” said social worker, Shania Wilkinson, chairperson of local pressure group, Freedom for Fence Sitters (FFS).”But what we have to consider is the well-being of both parties, and pledge that both parties are heard. There is no good, there is no bad; there just is, and within that is-ness is the way. And in this way, a workable resolution can be found that will take us forward to some future point of advancement later on. Namaste.”

Matthew Rooke, Chief Executive and Artistic Director of The Maltings, was unavailable for comment. Insiders report that he has locked himself in the theatre basement in order to compose a modernist symphony informed by bitter, impotent rage to be performed on a single triangle.

Professor Jonty Hardcastle, Head of the Department of Applied Stupidity at Del Monte University and author of the acclaimed academic paper, “Morons and Cretins – Their Place in Local Government”, explains that cannabis use is endemic amongst councillors.

“Because they lack a soul, councillors are essentially animated meat puppets. This makes them vulnerable when called upon to make a decision involving creative thinking. The only way they can access a semblance of imagination is by partaking in some serious bong sessions under the guise of extraordinary meetings. While consequent thoughts may indeed seem extraordinarily doable at the time, in reality the world has no use for a carpet sweeper made from butterflies.

Guy in suit smoking bong

Councillor working out the finer details of key sites for Berwick

“Take this week’s issue of the Tizer. Stung by alleged allegations of wrongdoing over the Walkergate Scandal, the Council has flung at it every last stoner thought they’ve ever had, including the really bad ones that couldn’t look good even if you drew them on a flip chart in coloured marker pen with little circles over the i’s.

“This is your classic distraction technique, a clumsy form of temporary defence, much as the guy in the wheelchair is the draw for alligators in an Everglades-plane-crash scenario. He may buy time, but we all know no one gets out alive.

“What our elected pot-heads have failed to realise is that presenting this press release as independent reporting makes them look desperate. As does the use of the phrase ‘joined up services’.”

But Professor Hardcastle believes there is still comfort to be had.

“If Northumberland County Council carries on dropping ten bags at their current rate, the chances are it will throw a massive whitey and pass out, thus preventing further damage to the town. It’s what happened to the SNP. If they hadn’t inhaled they’d probably be running their own country by now. This is natural selection at its best.”







B&M Opening Hailed as Society Event of the Year

The opening of a new retail outlet extolling cheap stuff from China as must-have lifestyle purchases has been lauded by Berwick’s Civic Party as the society event of the year.

Balloons make everything a celebration.Complete with several cheerful balloons in B&M Bargains’ smart livery of electric blue and orange, the inaugural ribbon-cutting ceremony was undertaken by Mayor Isabel Hunter and representatives of North Northumberland Food Bank – the latter’s inclusion a move by the owners and the Town Council, refreshing in its lack of cynicism, to head off criticism suggesting that the town already has enough shops selling cushions unable to cope with the rigours of daylight.

A hundred-strong queue of seasoned bargain hunters waited patiently for the speeches to end before sweeping down the aisles like Passover angels in leggings looking for a first-born.

Genevieve Fitzroy, a creole earring consultant from Tweedmouth, was thrilled to discover an ornate gilt mirror held together by badly angled staples and plastic wrapping.

“I’ve been looking for one of these for ages, ever since the identical one from Home Bargains broke last week when I coughed near it.” She went on to say: “I’m going to buy three this time as I am quite a heavy smoker.  At this price, I’d be mad not to.”

Store manager Jono Jenkins reported that multipacks of tissues were also proving a big hit, with three units flying off the shelves within the first couple of hours. “We were taking something of a risk filling the shelves with mattress-sized packs of pocket Kleenex, what with Savers, Home Bargains, and Homecare doing the same, but it seems nasal discharge is one market that just doesn’t flood.”

Berwick Town Council is promoting this latest in a long line of pile-it-high stores as another top tourist destination for the town, along with the office block proposed for the empty Kwik Save site.

Mayor Isabel Hunter said: “This is a good time for Berwick, a time of growth and regeneration. Myself and the Town Council are thrilled that Berwick has yet another outlet of affordable tat to lure tourists away from the ancient beauty of Alnwick and Bamburgh.”

She went on to say: “When the owners of B&M first approached us, they wanted the signage in heritage shades of Farrow & Ball but we at the Town Council insisted that it should be in keeping with Berwick’s image of indomitable strength in the face of implacable resistance. They came back with the Cillit Bang colour palette that you see now, which we think works really, really well.”

While response to the new store has been overwhelmingly positive from its employees, there are claims that B&M Bargains may not be the saviour of the town’s future it has promised to be.

“The economics don’t add up,” says Professor Jonty Hardcastle of the Berwick Institute of Thinking. “By simply saying something is good doesn’t actually make it good, counter-intuitive though that may seem. We just have to look at Jeremy Clarkson.

“Northumberland County Council says it’s a good thing to put offices on a prime town centre site rather than develop it as a tourist attraction, because they believe the tourist industry contributes less to the town’s prosperity than a single, existing firm of accountants with proven finite spending power. NCC is working on an outdated economic model that never existed which states that by relocating accountants to a town centre, they will feel compelled to spend more of their money in the nearest B&M Bargains store, thereby increasing the town’s average spend per capita and boosting the local economy.

“Put another way, Berwick’s future is dependent on employees of Greaves, West & Ayre indulging themselves in perpetuity with trays of Felix Sensations Sauce Surprise and silk orchids. Even a village idiot with nine fingers will tell you that doesn’t add up.”

Another bloody dust trap.

Just another bloody dust trap.

Mayor Hunter dismisses such thinking as scaremongering. “It’s sensationalist to call it the Walkergate Scandal. What some people don’t want to admit is that tourism and accountancy are not mutually exclusive.”

Ms Hunter goes on to detail a scheme whereby coaches could reverse from the new, toilet-free coach park on Chapel Street along to the Walkergate offices and then idle by the kerb for five minutes. Visitors could then be offered the opportunity to take photographs of the workers going for lunch.

“We’re going to call it BUS – Berwick Urban Safari. And it’s on a bus, which is a nice tie-in.

“In addition, we’re currently negotiating an exciting deal with Arch, Northumberland County Council and Greaves, West & Ayre that will allow tourists to use their facilities for a nominal charge of, say, 50 pence. That’s for use of the toilets, not the photocopiers. Obviously that would be extra.”

Lib Dem Councillor Gavin Jones, Berwick’s poster boy for the Kwik Save development, claims his wife’s position as consultant for GWA is nothing more than “a happy coincidence”, as is his likeness to Professor Quirrell, the cowardly turncoat in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

Councillor Jones briefly appears agitated, scrubbing furiously at his hands with a pocket Kleenex.”Look, can we drop that, please? It was funny the first time, what with the John Lord Voldemort quip, but it’s wearing a bit thin now. Seriously.

“Northumberland County Council knows what it’s doing; it’s currently in the process of delivering a lovely flower bed on The Parade in which any tourist would be pleased to stub out their fags. It didn’t come cheap – that’s over £130,000-worth of topsoil right there, you’re welcome.

“People need to quit whinging. There’s more to growing an economy than encouraging middle-class people with disposable income to visit our town and spend, spend, spend. Sometimes it’s about… it’s about… something else. It’s… it’s about complicated stuff most people wouldn’t understand, like… stuff.

“Oh, bloody hell. What, will these hands ne’er be clean? Oooh, look. Three bottles of Cillit Bang for the price of two. Get in.”

For those stubborn stains.

For getting rid of those stubborn stains.


Northumbria Police Give High Street Hit-and-Run the Christmas Go Ahead

shoe lying in rain drenched gutterNorthumbria Police Chief Constable, Genevieve Fitzroy, has reassured motorists in Berwick-upon-Tweed that they will not be prosecuted for knocking over pedestrians in the run-up to Christmas.

In a statement issued yesterday morning, Ms Fitzroy said:

“As a gesture of seasonal goodwill to all those who find themselves behind the wheel in the run-up to Christmas, I have instructed my officers to refrain from arresting any motorist who is forced to defend his or her road space against pedestrians who have no business being there.

While we will of course extend our sympathy to the friends and relatives of involved jaywalkers – deceased or otherwise – our first priority must be to uphold the motorist’s right to defend his paintwork.

I am particularly anxious to quell the confusion that has arisen from Northumberland County Council’s decision to reinstate parking along Marygate, which might have given pedestrians the notion that they can step out into traffic without looking, as usual, but now with the added frisson of doing so from between parked cars. This is not the case. Anyone found darting into the road and then reaching the other side via a half-hearted jog will be cautioned, fined and sent on a Green Cross Code refresher course.

It is only right and proper that I acknowledge when policing has fallen short of legitimate expectations and responsibilities. If not, we would neither justify the confidence all communities have in us today nor prove our genuine willingness to learn. By this token of commonsense policing, Northumbria Police wishes you all a very merry Christmas.”

The statement has been received with relief from motorists in towns around the country, towns whose high street, like Berwick, are engineered to create as many hazards for the driver as possible, thus giving the pedestrian ample opportunity to be killed in an achingly mundane manner.

Keen bonnet-crumpler Jono Jenkins, 17¼, from Duddo posted:

NOT The Berwickshire AdvertiserBut not everyone is pleased with the decision. Clare Strong, who has spent the past 15 years running a lucrative business producing blame targeted at other people, has reacted strongly.

“This is just another move nearer to a police state. It’s a basic human right to be free to eat enough macaroni pies so your upper arms can clip wing mirrors as you walk down the street. My feet are on the pavement, so it’s a clear case of habeus corpus carpet diem squid pro quo. If any other part of my body decides to swing out over the road that’s not to say I’m asking for injury, and anyone who says I am should stop being so judgmental. I love myself and if I express that by shoulder-barging oncoming traffic, how is that anybody’s business? But if I do accidentally get injured, I have a right to be paid for it and paid well. I love my kids. Calypso facto.”

Extreme kerb-sport enthusiast, Zac Richardson, has his doubts that Northumbria Constabulary’s decision is in the best interests of pedestrians.

“While I can see there is some sort of logic behind this announcement – for instance, to encourage the free flow of road traffic along Marygate which has slowed to the extent that cars are being abandoned mid-journey in the style of a zombie apocalypse – I fear it will act as a deterrent to pedestrians who would like to explore the extent of their balance on one foot on an ice-splintered kerb stone while they simultaneously smoke, hold an animated conversation with an ugly friend, and spit into the road. And that, my friend, is an infringement not just of civil liberties but of creative expression.”

More disturbingly, whispers behind closed doors are intimating that Northumberland County Council is delighted at Ms Fitzroy’s decision. A source claims that the council may view the policy as a way of thinning out the sick, old and slow-moving, thus easing pressure on vital services throughout the county. This accusation has been refuted by a council spokesperson.

“To say that we deliberately wish to maim or even kill members of the public is frankly abhorrent – worse, it’s misleading. While we recognise that it is irritating for drivers when some dithering old fogey crosses in front of them with no warning other than a cheerily waved newspaper, this is not the same as encouraging vehicle-led social engineering. Think – that’s somebody’s granddad who, fingers crossed, could go on for another ten or fifteen years requiring a holiday every winter in a cosy NHS bed looking adorably vulnerable at enormous cost.”

Despite these protestations from the council, there is a growing number of frustrated motorists who believe Christmas has come early.

“Bring it on,” grinned Jonty Hardcastle, adjusting his open knuckle driving gloves. “What with unofficial crossing points, recklessly placed bollards, a funfair attraction at a junction, a higher-than-average number of Greggosaurus and a road so narrow you’d be lucky to get a greased fart down it, short-term parking is just what every motorist needs to ensure they get human flesh tangled in their alloys this Christmas. Thank you, Northumbria Police. Thank you.”

NOT The Berwickshire Advertiser

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.





Northumberland County Council Approves Berwick Castle Restoration

The Better Together campaign was celebrating last night after Northumberland County Council granted planning permission to restore Berwick Castle to its former medieval glory, to include high spec arrow slits and top of the range murder-holes.

The decision comes ahead of the Scottish independence referendum on September 18, the result of which is expected to come down in favour of Scotland forging its own destiny based on the template set out by Take the High Road.

Berwick supporters of the No movement had been campaigning for the restoration of the 12th-century castle to become a fully functional edifice of terror since Alex Salmond promised to:

“Flow doon frae the purple braes, the rushy glens and sentinel granite to lay waste the Sassanach toon of Berwick and thence work oor way doon in an unstoppable tide of IrnBru-fuelled vengeance.”

I'm sorry, Morag. We've got the go. Get your flats on, hen.

“Isabel, it’s Effie. We’ve got the go. Get your flats on, hen.”

In light of Yes Scotland’s hostility, Northumberland County Council felt that the only viable solution was to reinstate the ruin as a bastion of certain death for painty-faced skirt-wearers from north of the border. However, they were quick to reassure locals that the renovation would be undertaken sympathetically, honouring the ancient bones of the building while bringing the neglected stronghold into the 21st century.

“The Council is mindful that here is a building of considerable historical interest,” said Planning Officer, Jono Jenkins. “We are working closely with English Heritage to ensure that Berwick Castle works both as an elevation from which to rain destruction and as an adaptable space for modern living. With this in mind, we’ve insisted that the outer curtain wall is reinstated in brushed steel, thus clearly delineating the old from the new and continuing the castle’s narrative.”

The Council has also approved triple-glazing and cavity wall insulation to block out the drone of Scottish people complaining, predicted to reach record levels when income tax from a population of 5.3 million fails to cover free prescriptions for a nation of obese alcoholics.


The wild romance of Berwick Castle at dawn

However, with the referendum less than three weeks away and Berwick Castle currently nothing more than a pile of stones by a litter bin, there are concerns that work on the castle will not be completed in time to repel the first wave of Gaelic marauders, a fear that Northumberland County Council says is misplaced.

“Due to time constraints, we’ve given the contract to the Germans. They’ve assured us that Berwick Castle will have its first siege test-run next Friday and have the oil up to temperature Tuesday week. Yes, it is disappointing that we were unable to employ English contractors to work on a building that has played such a prominent part in our great nation’s history, but the budget simply couldn’t stretch to the volume of strong tea and Rich Tea biscuits required to motivate them.”

Many residents of Berwick are puzzled how the relationship between the two countries has deteriorated to such a low that English longbows are now being stockpiled beneath the Ramparts alongside dead and diseased livestock.

Entrepreneur Zac Richardson, owner of McChips on Their Shoulder, a company selling military epaulettes encrusted with semiprecious gemstones to the Scottish diaspora in the United States, said: “I like the Scottish. They seem very nice people. I don’t even mind when they assume my English accent means I’m a capitalist oppressor with my own estate in Dorset. And I like haggis, yum.”

Professor Jonty Hardcastle, Head of  GeoWhinging at the University of Southampton, explains:

“If you live in a climate consisting entirely of drizzle, you wouldn’t expect the other side to be greener but you might reasonably expect things to be a lot less depressing. When continually exposed to leaden skies and a temperature never rising above that of a melting Feast, minor irritants that most people shrug off – like Highland Clearances and Duncan Bannatyne – cause a dissatisfaction out of all proportion. Rather than fading through the centuries, this bitterness and resentment is distilled through the cultural practice of first-cousin marriage, and thus hatred for the English and their ability to stand in the sun without spontaneously combusting is perpetuated through the generations. It’s really not their fault.”

When questioned about the Scottish stance on sharing the pound, Professor Hardcastle said: “Really? They suggested that? Ah, bless.”

Prince Charles and Camilla laughing at shared currency

“Get out, Charles!” “Straight up, Milly. That’s what they said!”





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