A hairstyle that gives the wearer the air of a firm but fair headmistress is set to sweep the world of haute coiffure this season, it has emerged.
Inspired by the locks of newly elected Conservative MP for Berwick-upon-Tweed, Anne-Marie Trevelyan, the long-layered bob is already in hot demand in hair salons across the town by women who want to remain stylishly nondescript.
Celebrity hairstylist, Andrew Barton, declared The Trevelyan is set to revolutionize the lives of women seeking to project an image of not giving one actual toss.
“The beauty of The Trevelyan is that it exposes a wide expanse of forehead, giving plenty of opportunity to expose the sun damage caused by a lifestyle of stomping up and down muddy fields shouting at sheep in a bossy voice. It says, ‘Yes, I’m a woman. Yes, I can be vaguely feminine but not at the expense of sticking needles in my face to avoid upsetting a misogynistic society.’ The f**k-you-not-me look is, in fact, very difficult to pull off but I think Anne-Marie does it brilliantly.”
Yet Ms Trevelyan’s supporters argue that the Conservative MP for Berwick would have every right to pump her face full of biotoxins and fillers.
Genevieve Fitzroy, a seagull trapper from Blythe, said: “As a Tory MP she needs to remain looking smug at all times. It would be a PR disaster if she were papped with a look of empathy on her face. Judicious application of Botox will smooth out such blemishes, allaying the public’s fear that a socialist is in power and is going to give their jobs to one-legged, lesbian immigrants.”
Streetlight operator Zac Richardson from Foulden agrees: “It’s best she doesn’t smile, to be honest. Or if she does, not to allow it to reach her cold, dead, Tory eyes. Politics is confusing enough. A heartless stare is all we’ve got to tell the politicians apart.”
Attempts by Nicola Sturgeon to knock The Trevelyan from the hairstyle top spot with her “Scrappy-Doo” – a wire hair helmet with a choppy fringe soldered together with Bristow’s Extra Hold – have been scuppered by social media wags posting pictures of turds in wigs and tagging them the Crappy Do. There is speculation that Ms Sturgeon might form an alliance with Harriet “Is she, Isn’t She” Harman, temporary Leader of the Labour Party, that would combine the fearsome power of cap highlights with a tendency to frizz, a look calculated to appeal to mums on benefits rummaging in the freezer for Turkey Bites.
But why is the hairstyle of Berwick’s new MP creating such a buzz? Jonty Hardcastle, Head Researcher at the Berwick Institute of Thinking, believes he has the answer.
“Historically, people hate women and they also hate Tories. Put them together and you’ve got something akin to vomit in a suicide jacket. But by having a hair-do that reminds men of the gentle-fingered primary school nit nurse, Ms Trevelyan is saying: ‘Look, this isn’t my fault. Your parents should have done this sooner but they were probably too smashed on Diamond White in front of Jeremy Kyle to care. But I care. Keep still or I’ll beat you.” To the male psyche, a woman taking charge and possibly hurting them is very reassuring.”
But that doesn’t explain why so many women are embracing The Trevelyan.
“Well, because it saves them half an hour in the morning.”
As demand for Ms Trevelyan’s hairstyle continues to gather momentum, a mass suicide off the Royal Border Bridge organised by bitter and broken Liberal Democrats and originally planned for Saturday’s low tide has been put back. The delay has been attributed to Paddy Ashdown struggling to eat his hat. Despite generous applications of HP Sauce, the brim is proving problematic.